The Path To Redemption
by Awesomeness707
Summary: Ever wondered how Bella forgave Edward so selflessly while she always claimed to be selfish? Forgiveness is the ultimate destination but to forgive someone you have to let go of the hurt. Bella lets go of the hurt eventually, but Edward has to earn her forgiveness, his redemption and so do the rest of the Cullens. Continues in New Moon where Edward comes back seeking forgiveness.
1. Chapter 1

**I know that it has been quite a trend in fanfiction to continue this part of new moon from their respective writing styles. So although I know this may have been done a lot of times, I'm a great fan of angst-y stories. I'll ask you to please give mine a chance. If I continue this I'll try to keep it up to standard. Though I assure you that after this chapter they'll be a major skip of 6 months in the timeline of the story. New moon is better the way Stephenie wrote it but I always felt that the ending was a bit unrealistic. So here we go….**

**All characters and a few lines from this fic belong to Stephenie Meyers. No copyright violation is intended**

**Music inspiration for this chapter is 'What about love- Austin Mahone'**

_**Prologue: The lie…**_

"What about love?" she asked tears welling up in her doe brown eyes. I stared back paralyzed with guilt and regret. "I'm sorry but I don't love you. It was a lie…._ We're _a lie", I forced the words out before I could change my mind. "But you promised…you _promised_. I know _you_! You won't leave", it seemed she was trying to convince herself more than me. I took advantage of that insecurity and spoke the words I had to, all the while my heart breaking piece by piece. "I lied….You're just not good enough for me. We've had our time. Now I want to move on and I'm _tired….._tired of pretending to be something I'm not. I'm not human and you're _just not enough."_

She looked at me for a moment, all the pain and hurt flashing in those soulful eyes. Once I had been glad that through her eyes I was able to catch glimpses of her emotions and thoughts, something that subdued my mad-man curiosity for the knowledge of her thoughts. Right now I couldn't have wished otherwise more. It was hard enough to deal with my trampled heart and adding her emotions to the mix, I was surprised at my ability to stand straight and keep my veneer without crumpling to the ground like the broken man I had become.  
"Ok…._ok."_

The words were so quiet that even with my enhanced hearing I was only able to catch them because I had been concentrating on her face, her beautiful resigned face.

"You're right Ed..Edward", she swallowed my name painfully as if it painful to speak it out loud. My heart broke further and my strong wave of self-hatred washed over me. "I know I'm not enough for you. I'll let go if that's what you want".

I could see the tacit admission of defeat in her shoulders. She looked so fragile, breakable even more so than usual. "That's what I want," I cringed at the blasphemous lie coming out of my mouth.

A silent sob racked through her and I chocked trying to hold back my whimpers. I knew that it was considered disgraceful for men to cry but right now I couldn't care less. I held every agonizing emotion inside knowing that doing this was most crucial, for _her_ sake and for _her _safety. I was a drowning man holding onto the only buoy of safety left in my ocean, which was _hope_. Hope that she'd move on and find someone better than me. Someone human who could love her without restraint, someone with a soul, someone she'd be able have a family with. However the next words were easier to get out and I spoke them with sheer determination which kindled inside me.

"But promise me one thing. Just _one_ thing."

"Anything", she vowed and I could see it in her eyes that she meant the words, which thawed some of the ice inside me.

"Don't do anything_ reckless….._Stay safe. For Charlie's sake."_ And mine._

She nodded once quickly. "I suppose that's it then….. We're leaving and we won't disturb you anymore. Stay safe and live a happy life….," she interrupted me suddenly in hysterics.

"We're! Alice is also leaving?" this time tears fell from her eyes piercing my heart again and again.

"She's already gone….. all of them are gone", I replied quietly hoping to calm her down with my soothing tone. I flinched, nothing was _soothing_ about this.  
"Alice didn't say goodbye," she mumbled to herself. Her hysterics had subsided replaced with anguish and emptiness. My insides mirrored her emotional turmoil however on an a more intense level.

I owed Alice some redemption for how she had sacrificed her best friend for my opinion of right and wrong. "She wanted to say goodbye. I didn't let her…. I convinced her that a clean break would be more beneficial for you."

"Clean break," she repeated the words numbly as if she was unable to comprehend what I was saying.

"I suppose that's it then. Goodbye Bella. _I love you,"_ I whispered the last part as a quasi-whisper. Low enough that her human ears wouldn't be able to hear them but just because she didn't hear them didn't mean that I dint mean them. I loved her, more than my own life, more than anything. I loved her more than my selfish dreams of forever with her. I could not…._would not_ condemn her to a soulless existence.

Just as I was about to leave the small clearing where we stood she cried out.

"Stop!," she reached for me.

It took every ounce of strength inside me to hold the arms that reached for me and pin them to her sides. I kissed her forehead once, quickly and departed to my doomed existence with a two words which would grant me whatever little peace of mind I could have, "Be safe."

I ran, as fast as my legs carried me but even with supernatural strength it seemed slow. The world spun around me but I kept on running until I knew that I could no longer ignore the grief and I collapsed on the ground, letting the paroxysm of sobs and pain engulf me. I went under hoping and wishing, I'd never resurface.

_**Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live- Norman Cousins**_

**Give me a holler if anyone wants me to continue this fic. This will not be a new moon story told another way. After this chapter I'll be skipping the timeline to 6 months later in Bella's bedroom where Edward asks for forgiveness. ****This is just a prologue of sorts****.**


	2. His return

**Hey Again **** I guess the first chapter's up. I really hope you guys like it. I just wanted to tell those of you who reviewed or even read my story that you've made me very happy. I've read a lot of fanfiction but I never got the nerve to try it myself but support from other people makes it worth every word. So the music inspiration for this chapter was two songs. **

'_**Umbrella- Rihanna ft Jay-Z' and 'Tujhe bhula diya- Mohit chauhan'**_

'_Just please don't say you love me, Cause I might not say it back. Doesn't mean my heart stops skipping, when you look at me like that- Gabrielle Aplin'_

"Bella won't you come play with me?" a small girl materialized in my periphery and I turned to the small figure gasping. I kept looking at her with morbid curiosity as she kept on purring the same lines over and over again. I looked at her face, at her ruby eyes and blood red lips pulled over those canine and inhumane teeth. Her beauty was demonic and ethereal. She took a step closer and I took one back. She took one step forward again and I inched back. Suddenly a ruby eyed boy appeared on her side, every bit as lovely as her, as _demonic_ as her. I tried to move but I was paralyzed with fear and fascination. The beautiful boy snarled, his reaction an antithesis reaction to the little girl's.

He sneered, "Won't you play with us Bella?"

I gasped and cowered back in fear just as three other red-eyed monsters appeared on my side showing their sharp teeth through their animalistic smirks.

They kept closing in and I screamed in terror.

"No please don't. Plea.. please don't!" I shrieked.

Something touched me. Something kept shaking me and I screamed, desperately trying to find an escape from this nightmare.

"Please don't. No! No! No!" suddenly I came back to reality sobbing.

I was covered in sweat and tears as I scrambled in a sitting position on my bed trying to breathe. My heart raced painfully as I tried to make sense of that morbid nightmare.

"It's ok, you're safe. It was just a dream," a smooth voice spoke and I turned startled.

It seemed like I had finally lost my mind.

_Great…..here I come, loony bin_

It seemed that my hallucinations were disturbingly vivid. I speculated the beautiful boy with tortured charcoal eyes in front of me. The lavender circles under his eyes were the only slight hint of imperfection on that perfect face. I flinched, it hurt to look at that perfectly sculpted face, the sharp jaw line, high cheekbones, mussed bronze hair , those purplish lips and those beautiful midnight concerned eyes holding the depth of a super massive black hole.

His lips moved and I gazed on, mesmerized.

A second too late I registered that he was speaking to me, "It's alright Bella. I'm here, it was only a dream."

I sighed. It seemed that even the voice in my head was perfect.

_Bless you, disturbingly clear memory._

I snorted remembering the real Edward's opinion, _'memory like a sieve'_. He was wrong, so wrong. If he'd been right maybe I'd have been able to move on but this memory and my heart cursed me to the past.

The hallucinatory Edward frowned, "What happened?"

I ignored him and stood up still watching him. He seemed frozen where he was. I waved my hand to see if the illusion would be dispelled but no… there he was.

He frowned again, perplexity in his eyes as he waved back tentatively, "Are you alright?"

Why didn't he disappear? Not that I minded. I tilted my head to the side observing him.

"Bella….."

"Shush," I interrupted him still trying to make sense of the situation.

He kept frowning but he still stayed there. I walked over to him and held out a hand. Slowly I extended it towards him and touched his cheek. I gasped as my hand met cold solid.

Weren't hallucinations supposed to be air?

I squinted, "Holy crap! You feel real."

He looked at me, amused, "That's because _I am real."_

I scowled, "And I'm a duck with four beaks."

"What?"

"Nothing….." I sighed. "It's just that usually my hallucinations aren't usually _this_ vivid. It's just hard to wrap my head around this."

"I'm real Bella. I mean I'm not a hallucination though I'm worried. Are you alright? Since when have you been having these?"

I kept looking at him and he stood up suddenly startling me with his swift movement.

"I'm real Bella", he insisted taking the other hand which wasn't on his cheek and placing it over his jaw.

I kept looking at him dumbfounded until the reality of the situation dawned on me and I jumped back.

"What? How… how's that possible? Did all of that really happen then?" I stuttered in shock.

"If you're referring to us really being massacred in Italy, then yes. It really did happen and if you're referring to my presence here, then yes. That is real too."

I moved to the edge of my bed moving around him and sat down a safe distance away from him. However he followed me and knelt near my feat almost on my lap. It seemed that he didn't get the hint for wanting personal space but I was too overwhelmed and dizzy to make that request right now.

I tried to calm myself as flashes of real red-eyed monsters, Volterra, Alice and dark alleyways ran through my head. "I…uhh," I stuttered incoherently.

"Calm down, it's alright. I'll keep you safe," Edward spoke in a soft voice trying to soothe me.

I looked at him and suddenly new flashes buried inside my head surfaced. I fought trying to keep them where they were better left but I couldn't help as I remembered those horrendous moments.

_I don't love you_

_I don't want you_

_We're leaving_

_You're not enough_

Tears welled up and dripped down my cheeks. I tried to control the paroxysm of sobs but they broke free. Edward moved to my side on the bed, panicked, and tried to pull me in his lap, "Hush…. It's alright. No one's going to hurt you. You're safe. It'll be alright."

He spoke in a frenzied voice.

_Tough luck buddy, I've already been hurt_

I tried to push him aside but he remained there like a brick wall until he realized what I was trying to do and dropped back on the floor a few inches away this time. He looked at me, hurt evident in his eyes.

I stared back impassive and felt my face settle into a stony mask. The similar expression I had seen on his face that day. He made the connection and flinched.

"What are you doing here," my voice was cold, unforgiving though a large part of my heart was anything but.

"I came back Bella. I…. I couldn't stay away. I promised you I'd be close last night and I won't leave again. It's too painful."

I smiled a painful, stoic smile at his words. His promises held no meaning since all they were, were words. Empty and false words.

"Don't say what you don't mean. Haven't you broken me enough?" my voice cracked.

"No! I swear I mean them. I know I lied and I know I hurt you. I messed everything up," he spoke in a fast agitated voice. "I'm so sorry. Sorry doesn't even cover up a fraction of the remorse that I hold inside. I lied to you that day in the forest and I'm sorry for that. I left you here to face Victoria and those filthy werewolves but I swear I didn't know anything about them. I'd never have left if I knew! You have to know that I had no idea of the danger I was leaving behind, I had no idea Victoria would come back. I admit that that one time I saw her I only caught glimpses of her mind because I was focusing on James and her confidence in him concealed the depth of her feelings for him, the bond there. But most of all I'm so sorry that I told you that I didn't love you and that you didn't mean anything to me. You are_ everything_ to me. Leaving although it was for purely unselfish intentions was the most heinous sin that I have ever committed and that lie, that lie because of which I made you believe that I didn't love you was the most blasphemous falsehood that I have ever uttered…"

"Stop!" I interrupted him mid- rant. "I…. I don't know what to say. I don't believe you Edward. You don't have to lie to make me feel better. It's ok and I understand. I don't blame you for anything regarding Victoria because it's not your _job_ to protect me every moment of my life. One day something's going to happen to me, like tripping in front of a bus or dying from an electric shock because that's just the way life is for me. That's just the way life is for a human so you don't need to feel _guilty_ for everything that has happened. It was my fate and so it just happened to me. You shouldn't let that guilt drive you to such extremes. It's not healthy for you or me. I mean you shouldn't tie yourself, even with words to someone you don't want to be with and it's just cruel to treat me like that."

I took a deep juddering breath. Every word was like a knife to my fragile heart. I tried to remind myself that this was something I _had_ to do. I had to do set him free because I owed us this much.

I looked at him and was surprised to see the anger on his face, "Isabella Marie Swan. Do you think I want to stay out of guilt? Do you think I think that it's my _Goddamn job_ out of guilt to keep you safe?"

I flinched at his ire and shrugged in answer.

He moved until his torso was flush with my body and took my tear stained, feverish face in his hands.

"Bella, how can you think that? How can you undermine my love for you in such a non committal way? I don't want to stay because of some misplaced sense of guilt. I want to stay because I _love_ you! I don't want to protect you because I think it's some duty thrust upon me. Itis_ my job_ to protect you because I love you. I love you so much that it hurts every second I'm apart from you. I have always loved you. Every second that I was away, I was thinking of you. I was seeing your face in my mind and I was thinking that I had to stay away because finally I had found something I loved more than myself! I love you more than anything in this universe. I loved you before, I love you now and I'll love you forever. It doesn't matter how long we're apart or how many miles are in between us. I'll still love you and I wouldn't and _will not_ live without you."

I just looked at him numbly trying to forget the words he was saying, trying to stop them from planting themselves and the unwelcome hope that Edward would stay with them in my mind.

"You don't believe me," his perfect voice cracked a little.

_No shit, Sherlock._

"Ed…. Edward why did you go to Volterra?" I tried to dismiss his words and my pain at speaking his name out loud.

"Isn't it obvious?" he smiled a bitter, sad smile. "I went there because I thought you were dead."

"Why?" I asked perplexed.

He sighed, "You didn't listen to a word I said did you? I suppose I deserve that and much more. I went there to die, because I thought you were dead. _I thought you were dead Bella_," his voice became bleak at the last sentence. "And I can't live in a world where you don't exist. I can't and I want you to take me back because I can't live apart from you any longer. I'll beg and grovel if that's what you want. Just tell me if you can love me still and I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. I'll spend the next decade on my knees happily if that's what you want".

_You stupid man. I've always loved you. It's you who keeps on undermining my feelings._

"I don't know Edward, I need… I need time to wrap my head around this. A few days ago I was trying to fight for the will to stay alive because that was my duty to Charlie but now you've shown up and I can't just forget everything. I can't forget the pain I've been through because of you and I can't forget what I owe to Jake and Charlie by letting you waltz back into my life whenever you want. I don't trust you Edward. You may really love me but I will never be able to trust the fact that you're going to ask my opinion before making big and stupid decisions like leaving just because _you_ think they're right. Relationships don't work like that and neither do I. I'm not naïve and I'm human. You can't expect to show up in my life one day and think that everything will go back to the way it was. I can't just forgive you like that."

He looked at me with pain and hope in his eyes. "I'll do whatever it takes. I'll give you as much time as you need. Just tell me if I haven't ruined the possibility of us completely. Please just give me something, some small thread to hang my hope on."

I wanted to tell him that I owed him no such assurance but the desperation in his voice made me reconsider. "Maybe Edward, maybe someday soon I hope for your sake and mine I'll be able to forgive you and trust you. But I won't lie and tell you that that day is today because right now it hurts. It hurts to look at you because every time I see your face, I think of what you told me in that forest and my heart shatters again. I can tell you that I'm not the same girl you left behind. I've changed and things have changed. I've got responsibilities now and I have to think how my decision affects those people who have become very important to me. I have to think about this, if not for my sake then theirs."

"I don't care if you think you're not the same person as before. You're still _my_ Bella. I'll take you any way that I can get you," he spoke quickly, ardently.

_I haven't been your Bella for a long time _

"Time Edward, I need time," I sighed.

He got up reluctantly and kissed me on the forehead lingering there for a few seconds before walking toward the window.

"I'll always be here waiting for you, remember that. I'll never leave again. Don't let happiness get out of your way for some obligation. Your only duty is to _yourself_ and I want you to make your decision for yourself. Not for me and not for anybody else."

I nodded.

He looked at me for a few seconds, wistfulness in his eyes, "Bella I've realized that the only person standing in the way of my happiness, our happiness was me and I hate myself for it. I beg you not to stand in the way of your happiness. Be selfish this once. If not for yourself then for the sake of us and everything that we were, we are and that which we can be."

I stared after him as he hopped out of the window with inhumane grace into the black night and sighed. It seemed that I had choices to make, choices I dint know were a possibility before and I knew that I loved Edward. I loved him to the point where it almost hurt to look at him but would that be enough? The real question here was that would that be enough to patch up what I thought was broken beyond repair?

**So I'm really hoping you guys liked the first chapter. If you did or even didn't please review and let me know your opinion. It'd really mean a lot. Just an afterthought, I hadn't really intended this chapter to be this long but I had those writing moments when your hands don't stop moving on the key board LOL. Anyways…. Until next time **

**Abiha**


	3. Breaking the news

**I apologize for the delayed update, I was busy with holidays. I hope you guys like it **

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_We always long for forbidden things, and desire what is denied to us- unknown_

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"I _do not _want to do this right now," I mumbled to myself pathetically.

I trudged downstairs to the kitchen where Charlie was sitting on the table sipping his coffee. "Are you alright?" Charlie looked at me with concern in his eyes.

_Guess he heard you screaming bloody murder last night_

"Yeah dad, just tired," my excuse was believable thanks to the dark circles under my eyes.

"We still need to talk," his eyes narrowed and I sighed. Like I thought, I didn't want to do this anymore than I wanted to play Russian roulette with his gun right now.

"Yes dad," I sat on the chair across him in defeat. "What do you want to know?"

"First of all I want _you_ to know that you're grounded!" his voice raised with edge.

"Ok dad," I accepted his punishment without argument. I knew I deserved it. He looked at me in shock for a moment, I guess he had expected some reluctance from my end but I was too tired. I had been through enough that should have sufficed to kill me but against all odds I had survived. But that survival didn't make me feel stronger, instead I felt horribly fragile. Like one word could break me.

"Where were you these last three days?" his voice was calmer but I could hear the anger brewing behind those quiet words.

"I was with Alice dad. We were in Los Angeles. There was something… important that I had to take care of."

"Care to elaborate?" Charlie raised his eyebrows and his eyes told me that I had been stupid to think he'd let me get away with that vague explanation.

I took a deep breath, "She said, he said that he was upset because she told him, not Alice but Rosalie that I'd jumped off a cliff. He was upset and nobody talked to him…. I mean he wasn't talking to anyone because he was upset. He felt guilty, no _not guilty_! He felt _upset_ that I'd jumped and he thought it was his fault and she said that only I could talk some sense into him and he was going and that he wouldn't ever come back and….and "

_Brilliant explanation…. I'm sure he believes it._

It seemed as if my lying skills had become even worse with time, if that were possible.

"You expect me to believe that…. Whatever that hell _that_ was?"

_Apparently deterioration in my horrendous lying skills was possible_

"And wait a second!" Charlie shouted suddenly as if he had just realized something. "What do mean by jumped off a cliff? You weren't attempting suicide were you?"

I looked at Charlie's purplish face and I think a whimper or two escaped.

_Oh crap_

"No dad! Of course not," I shouted. It was usually clear on my face when I was telling the truth and I thanked god for that since Charlie relaxed a little. "It was cliff diving, for recreational purposes only with Jake. The kids at la push do it all the time."

My meek reply softened his expression for a moment until his eyes hardened again.

"Why did _he_ come here? The nerve of that fool!"

It didn't take a genius to figure out which _he,_ Charlie was talking about.

"Dad I was tired so he just dropped me off," I mumbled trying to avoid the topic.

"He isn't back, is he?" Charlie raised his eyebrows as if he knew the answer.

Apparently he mistook my moment of silence since as soon as I uttered the next words, all hell broke loose.

"Maybe, I don't know for sure what the plan is but I think they're all back."

"The hell they are! I want you to stay away from that boy. He's only trouble and you know what happened the last time."

I flinched at his words.

_The truth's always hard to hear isn't it?_

I stiffened at his verbal attack. I couldn't believe he was stooping as low as to remind me of that! It wasn't like I'd forgotten. The truth was that he'd forgotten that while he watched, I had lived through it.

"Dad, I remember. I also remember that I love him and I'm not stupid! I won' take him back like nothing happened and sure as hell won't act like it."

Then suddenly I realized the way I was talking to my own father and sighed.

This time I replied with more respect, "I'm sorry dad. I shouldn't speak to you like that. It's just that I know what happened and if I take him back, I'll do it if he's earned it. He won't get off the hook that easily."

"I don't want you to take him back at all," Charlie replied sullenly.

"I know dad. Believe me I know," I sighed.

"But dad, can I ask you something? And I need you to be honest and unbiased in your answer."

"What is it?" Charlie eyed me warily.

"Dad I know you loved mom and you still love her don't you?"

Charlie looked at me uncomfortably. I knew he didn't want to answer me and he didn't have to. His silence was answer enough.

"You don't have to answer that dad. That's not my question," Charlie sighed in relief and looked at me curiously.

"Dad if mom had come back or even came back now, would you take her back? If you loved someone so much that you couldn't breathe without them wouldn't you give them a second chance?"

Charlie just smiled sadly, "You still love him don't you?"

I shrugged in response. I had no idea if Edward was snooping in on this conversation and I just wasn't ready to say these words out loud to him directly or indirectly.

"I suppose I would," Charlie replied reluctantly.

I smiled, "Thanks dad, I appreciate your honesty. I know this isn't exactly the ideal situation for you and I completely sympathize. If I was my daughter, I wouldn't exactly forgive and forget so I can't really hold it against you if you don't want to forgive him yet. But dad if I take him back you'll have to forgive him because this should be _my_ decision. It's my life dad and I have a right to choose who I want to spend it with but by all means please don't assume that I'm a love struck fool who's forgotten what I went through these past months".

Charlie got up to wash his dishes and grunted unhappily in response. I suppose this was the only reaction I was going to get. I figured convincing Charlie wouldn't be the exact definition of easy but then again…. when was love ever easy?

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'Tring tring tring'

The shrill ringing of the landline broke the comfortable silence of the house. I groaned as I got up from the living room couch, my algebra assignment falling from the couch. I ignored it and ran towards the phone.

"Hello?" I picked the phone waiting for the person on the other side of the line to reply.

"Hey, is this Bella?" I instantly recognized the voice.

"Angela?" I asked tentatively.

"Bella!" she spoke nervously, "How are you?"

"I'm fine," I spoke suspiciously. I doubted she had called me for meaningless tete-a-tete.

"Ummm….." she trailed off unsure.

"What is it Angela," I asked curious about her sudden reluctance.

"The Cullens are back!" her sudden shout startled me and I jumped a little, "I saw them yesterday and I thought I should warn you so that if you didn't know, you'd at least be warned before school yesterday. You've already been through enough as it is and I doubt _that_ surprise would have gone all hugs and kisses with you."

I smiled a little at her rant although her words made something in my chest squeeze painfully, probably my treacherous heart.

"Thanks for the heads up," my reply although sarcastic was genuine. If I hadn't already known that Angela was a good person, this should have been proof enough.

"You don't sound surprised," she sighed in resign.

"No….. I don't," I agreed and heard another sigh in reply.

"You talked to _him_, didn't you?"

I contemplated my reply in discomfort.

Thankfully Angela understood my need for privacy and didn't snoop.

"I just wanted to warn you. If you need anything don't hesitate to ask," she spoke fiercely and I respected her all the more for it.

"Thank you," my gratitude was fervent.

"I suppose I'll meet you tomorrow?" she spoke the statement as a question.

I frowned, "Yeah I suppose you will."

There was another moment of silence before the phone beeped signaling the end of the call.

I slugged towards the living room with the intention of tackling the procrastinated massive amount of homework waiting for me. Right now solving complex algebraic equations was the only problem I had the energy to solve. The rest would have to wait.

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**I had originally intended the chapter to end with Bella's and Charlie's conversation but since I felt guilty for the delayed update, I added a little Angela/ Bella part too. I hope you guys like it, the review buttons there and I'd really appreciate a few remarks **** We'll be seeing Edward and maybe the Cullens in the next chapter.**

**Abiha**


	4. School confontations

**So I'm back people. Apologies for the late update but these days my life is homework, tests, even more homework, even more tests … and well you get the idea. I wanted to thank all of you who reviewed. You made my day. So here's to another chapter, I hope you guys like it. Forgive any mistakes, this is not Beta'd.**

**The music inspiration for this chapter: 'The Scientist- Coldplay'**

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_To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world- Bill Wilson_

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"Edward? Where are you?"

I looked around the green forest surrounding me and up at the canopy. Where was he? Just a second ago he had been standing in front of me and now he was nowhere to be seen. I walked through the lush greenery frantically searching for any signs of bronze hair and pale skin.

I walked and casted furtive glances to my surrounding without any success until I couldn't take it anymore. I broke into a sprint screaming out his name over and over again trying to make sense of what was happening, trying to ignore the sense of abandonment.

I tripped over something, an overgrown root, and fell to the ground but instead of picking myself up I stayed there.

_Love, life, no meaning_

I sobbed to myself pathetically, drowning in my sorrow and despair.

I didn't realize that my sobbing had turned into wails, "Edward! Edward! Edward you promised!"

Suddenly I felt something jarring me and I sat up with a start, gasping and choking on broken sobs. I met anxious brown eyes and saw the concerned figure of Charlie hovering over me.

"Dad?" my voice was small.

Charlie stood back and gazed, his impassive eyes boring holes in my forehead.

I calmed myself and spoke once I was sure that there were no traces of sobs in my speech.

"Charlie?"

He moved his eyes to look into mine and the hopelessness in his unusually expressive eyes made me blanch.

"Are you alright?"

We both knew that I was far from alright. I let that question linger in the air, unanswered.

"Dad what time is it?"

"6:30," I frowned at his curt reply.

Only then did thoughts of school register in my head and I sighed as I realized that Charlie was in his uniform. This was the dreadful day I was nowhere ready to face. School, which was sure to bring with it an embarrassing and unwelcome amount of scrutiny. In a town this mundane and small, gossip spread like wildfire and the Cullens sudden reappearance in the their dreary former home town was a sure way to subject myself to a Spanish inquisition by the hands of Jessica and the other delightful peers that I had.

_Always delighted to provide entertainment on my expense to the good people of Forks_

Charlie harrumphed to regain my attention and I looked at him curious.

"Are you going to school?" he posed the question and I knew that this was because he still had some miraculous sympathy left for me since I was getting a choice on that matter despite my myriad absence leaves.

"Yes, dad", I sighed, always the martyr.

"Good," with a grunt of approval Charlie stomped down the stairs and I waited until I heard the thrum of his cruiser to get up.

I followed my tedious morning ritual which felt oddly familiar yet nothing in my life at the moment was anything near the usual. I had always longed for this time, when somehow against all odds I would see Edward again but now that my desire had been fulfilled, instead of being ecstatic I felt oddly dreadful. Attention, in my point of view was never a good thing and in a town as small as Forks even the slightest excitement was promoted tenfold. Right I just wished that the Cullen's return would've stayed entre nous but what I wished was always a far cry from what always happened.

_Guess I'm lucky that way huh?_

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The truck's engine roared to life as I started the ignition. The sound was constant and oddly comforting. Million thoughts were ricocheting around the inside of my solitary brain as I passed through the lush green forest following the road to Forks high. My emotions were a fusion of frustration and hurt. My indecision was hurting me more than it would ever hurt Edward. My options were either to swallow my dignity and take the Cullens back forgetting the past six months of pain and humiliation or to send them out of my life for good. For once the ball was in my court and instead of feeling powerful, all I felt was weak and pathetic. Romance novels made love seem like a fairytale, made it look like love was easy though in real life it was anything but. I spoke from experience I couldn't regret. Or maybe it was the fact that the love I had for Edward was incomparable to the pathetic human mortal love. I was his for eternity whether he knew it or not and maybe, just maybe he was mine too. Now that I could hope, I felt afraid to. What if he left again? What would stop him from leaving this time when he already left the last time? If he really loved me than why did he hurt me like he had? If I knew anything about love, it was that you didn't hurt the people you loved the way he had hurt me and I knew it as clear as day that I would rather burn in hell than do anything similar to Edward so I couldn't really help the doubt that plagued me. Did he really love me the way I loved him? Did he feel the same encompassing and overwhelming need for me as I felt for him or was his undying love just an illusion for my deluded self destructive heart?

I sighed and broke out of my messy train of thought as the familiar school sign passed by the road. It was when I reached the parking lot that I saw the familiar silver Volvo parked in the corner, looking alien and glamorous in the mundane lot filled with beat up trucks and second hand cars. Though to my obviously palpable relief, the driver of that particular vehicle was nowhere in sight and I relaxed from my rigid stance, which I wasn't even aware of. I parked the monstrous truck in my usual spot and climbed out of the cab wincing at the slam of the trucks door as it closed behind me. It seemed that today I was practically inviting unwanted attention my way. Ignoring the stares of the kids around me I climbed up the school footsteps keeping my eyes on the ground. It was my hurry which caused me to clash into something hard and cold. I froze in dread as the world seemed to freeze around me and all that existed was the burn on my skin where the cold hands held my jacket clad forearms to steady me. Even through the material of the jacket I couldn't help but shudder at the sensation of those inhuman hands. Slowly I raised my gaze to meet the gold one of my savior, my destroyer and my damnation.

_Death sucked the honey of thy breath hath had no power upon thy beauty_

The gorgeous, ethereal undead man in front of me looked at me with his intense eyes and for a moment I felt naked and exposed. It was terrifying and thrilling at the same time but the moment passed as the sudden sound of the shrill school bell rang through the hallways. I stepped back as I regained awareness and broke out of the that weird trance I always seemed to fall in whenever he looked at me.

Edward frowned a little as I shrugged off his grip on me.

"Bella…."

I cut him off not ready to hear any explanations from him, "Don't Edward. Not now."

I tried to move past him but he stopped me cutting my line of escape as moved dangerously close, "Then when Bella? I've given already given you so much space but I can't give any more. It hurts too damn much."

His soft agonized voice did nothing for him as it only reminded me of _my_ hurt and the unwanted space he _had_ given those past few months which felt like a lifetime. The hurt from his deception was still raw, slowly healing but still ever present.

"It already hurt too much when you gave me all that space before. Now giving me some more shouldn't be a problem for _you_!" I hissed in a low voice not wanting to provide any fuel to the gossip hungry kids around us trying to listen in on our little scrabble whilst moving towards their classes.

"I….," his voice faltered and broke and his speechlessness should have made me happy or satisfied but I felt was even worse than before and I just wanted all the guilt and pain to stop. I was tired…..tired and defeated.

"I…. look Edward I didn't mean to rub that in but right now all you'll get out me are bitchy comments because life is just too messed up right now. I guess you know that all too well", I couldn't help the little bitterness that seeped through my voice at that statement.

"I'm sorry," he looked at me with shame, guilt and hurt in his eyes and I couldn't help but soften my words so that I could spare him some pain. I was bitter but I wasn't vengeful and I loved him too much to hurt him even a little. He was my heart, my Achilles heel and I didn't even want to deny it.

"I don't need your apologies Edward, what's done is done and we can only move forward. I need time and you can either give it to me or I'll take it myself. I'm nowhere near ready to jump into a relationship right now because I'm just too skeptic. Trust is not something I can afford to give so freely as before and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but it's just the way it is right now and for a relationship to work, trust is mandatory. We don't have that right now….."

"I trust you", Edward interrupted my tirade softly in a forceful voice as if he thought I wouldn't believe him otherwise.

"But I don't trust _you_", he flinched at my retort and I tried to stop my own wince. His woebegone expression was starting to make _me_ feel guilty but I knew that I needed to tell him the truth, to tell him where I stood and see if would wait for me if he knew how much time I needed. He needed to know my doubts, my insecurities and bear with me if we were to make it together.

"I'm not saying this deliberately to hurt you, Edward. It's just the way it is right now but if you want we can try to be friends. Take it one step at a time."

Edward winced and this time I couldn't stop mine at that hideous idea. Edward and I could never be just friends and he knew it as well as me.

"I'll wait for you to get where you need to be to love me again but we can never be just friends, Bella. I think we both know that," Edward's soft reply rang with truth and sincerity and I couldn't find it in me to reply anything other than an, "Ok".

Edward smiled at me, amused at my monosyllabic reply though his eyes remained tight with tension.

"Ok?"

"Ok," this time I said it with conviction.

Edward opened his mouth but suddenly a familiar dreadful voice spoke sternly from behind me startling us out of our oblivious bubble.

"Mr. Cullen, skipping classes on our first day back are we?"

I paled Mr. Greene's face appeared behind Edward's shoulder.

_Crap. I had to choose today of all days to get in trouble with the school's principle._

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_Woman is sacred; the woman one loves is holy- Alexandre Dumas_

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**I truly appreciate reviews and constructive criticism, after all there's always room for improvement so if you guys want to point out any flaws, please do and I'll try to make them scarce in the other chapters.**

**Abiha**


	5. His words

**Hey people **** , the only explanation I can give about the late update is homework. I'm pathetic at making excuse but I'm sorry for the delay guys. Excuse stupid mistakes since it's not Beta'd.**

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_Love is hard to find, hard to keep and hard to forget- Alysha Speer_

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Principle Greene's office was that shade of beige that indicated the ancientness of the poor paint job. His office although reasonably spacey had a claustrophobic quality to it. I had been here only a few minutes but I was already feeling suffocated. Maybe the office was supposed to be suffocating, just to torture school vandals but I was no school vandal. My record was so clean that it was probably pathetic and showed my lack of a having a 'life' which would probably explain the shock on Ms. Cope's face on seeing me entering the principal's office in tandem with Edward Cullen. Two of the school's most disciplined students getting detention in a day. At that rate it would be no wonder if she'd have a heart failure. Only if she knew half of what I knew.

"Have a seat Ms. Swan, you're probably going to be here a while but judging by your latest class skipping extravaganza, I think don't think you're going to be having any qualms about missing a period or two."

I just stared back blankly at him and at my lack of a proper response Mr. Greene scowled.

His disappointment didn't last very long as he suddenly remembered another victim of the inquisition too.

"Mr. Cullen! I almost forgot you," I cringed at the glee in his voice.

"We wouldn't want that now would we?" Mr. Greene's question was rhetoric. Edward however still felt the need to add dryly, "No, of course not."

I tried to stop the giggle that threatened to escape but I must've let out some sound since Mr. Greene's sharp gaze turned toward me and his eyes narrowed.

"Care to share what's so amusing, Ms Swan?"

I fought to keep a straight face as I caught Edward winking at me in my periphery.

"No sir."

"I assure you, you won't be laughing if I call the chief to inform him of this little rebellion of sorts," that wiped the smile right off my face and I panicked.

"No sir. Please! It won't happen again, I swear."

"Oh I know it won't," the glee in his voice was back and somehow that morbid happiness of his reminded me of Aro. At the thought of Aro and the Volturi, my heart started to accelerate until it was pounding in my ears like a bulldozer.

At the sudden cadaverousness of my face and the wild heartbeat that he could surely hear, Edward asked quietly in concern, "Are you alright?"

It was frightening how his anxious voice soothed me in an instant and at that I mentally berated myself. Despite our previous separation I was still dependant on him and still needed him for anything remotely resembling to happiness.

Resentment flared in me and I glared at the floor, trying to control my traitorous feelings. Mr. Greene noticed our exchange and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Let's discuss your punishments so we can go back to our businesses. I assure you I don't have all day and every minute I'm wasting on you isn't making me any younger."

It was so unfair. What had Mr. Greene suffered to justify the bitterness in his voice? He couldn't have had gone through a fraction of the difficulties I had gone through, no normal human being could do that and make out alive. I never claimed to be normal and I was barely alive, tethering on a fine line between humanity and monstrosity. The monstrosity was something I recently acclaimed myself with since watching all those innocent people in Volterra file into that hideous room and face that abysmal death sentence. I had been unable to help them and in my conscience, standing by and watching a crime unfold was just as bad, if not more, than abetting it. Of course I was secure enough in my morals to know that had I not been just a helpless and weak human I would have done something to save that innocent crowd. The irrational part of me kept reminding me of that but the pragmatist in me knew that there was nothing I could have done that would've prevented that, mortal or immortal. Before going to Italy, the concept of the Volturi in my mind had been that of a distant authority. That family held no importance to me since I had never fathomed to have crossed their paths but little had I known then that they'd become the subject of every nightmare I could possibly imagine. I was no fool, even if the circumstances with the Cullens indicated otherwise. I knew that justice was just a veneer the Volturi used and their real purpose was power. They were hungry monsters playing with us humans like toys for dominance and that fact disturbed me more than any other.

"…starts from today so stay after school for an hour and the kitchen tasks will be appointed to you."

I looked up from the floor to meet the expectant eyes of Mr. Greene and waited.

"Did you understand that?"

I replied in a sheepish voice, "I'm sorry sir. Could you please repeat that?"

Mr. Greene's glare made me flinch.

"Since your mental thoughts were far more important than my statements, I'm sure you can take the liberty of finding out what I said _yourself,_" his hard voice indicated that I was reaching the end of his patience.

"Now both of you, get out of my office!" Mr. Greene added and chuckled when he saw me flinch unexpectedly at the high tone of his voice.

Wasting no time I scurried out of his office not wanting to be subjected to his ire any longer than mandatory. Before I could reach for the exit door's knob, a pale hand swiftly and unexpectedly shot from behind me reaching for the doorknob. I yelped in surprise and Edward chuckled, no doubt at my melodramatic reaction as he opened the door for me to pass through.

I huffed in annoyance, "Chivalry won't get you anywhere with me Cullen."

My feelings were a paradox to my words though since my heart skipped a little at his gentlemanly behavior.

_Traitorous heart_

"Oh I know it won't," Edward smiled and added, "But it'd really help me if you'd tell me what would."

"Your problem, not mine," I started walking briskly towards my class, not wanting to skip anymore periods.

"Don't you want to know what our punishment is? You seemed a little out of sorts in there. Is everything alright?"

_Out of sorts, hah, massive understatement_

"One question at a time Sherlock," I retorted and he scowled back.

"Well… I _do_ want to know what Mr. Greene was raving on about in the office. All I could hear was your punishment…..blah blah blah… I don't have time for your shit….blah blah blah…..get out of my office," I rolled my eyes.

Edward barked out an amused laugh, "Where did the sarcastic humor come from? I didn't know you had that going inside you," he asked still chuckling.

"You don't know a lot about me," I didn't find the situation as amusing as he did.

"I do," his argument was spoken in a soft blazing voice, all traces of humor gone. "You're my everything Bella. How can I not?"

_Way to keep it casual,' friend'_

I sighed for what seemed like the umpteenth time this day. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, things would still be as intense as ever between us. Maybe trying the whole friend thing was a lost cause after all.

I still couldn't help but address the huge pink flying elephant in the room, "No you don't Edward. Maybe back then but not now."

I watched Edward's face as it fell and the guilt became evident on his ethereal face and to put it eloquently, I felt like shit.

"I'm sorry, I didn't say that to hurt you or…."

Edward held out a hand to stop me mid-rant, "I know you didn't and you have nothing to be sorry about. The only person who owes any apologies is me. You were wronged Bella and I see that now. I had no right to take your choices away from like I did or even at all. I understand that now and it kills me every moment that you're close enough to touch but still so far away and to know that it is all my own doing just tortures me more. I just want you to know, even though I know that you don't want to hear it, that I love you. I love you so much more than anything. More than my own life and you're everything I could ever want and have ever wanted. Right now I want anything and everything with you because I'm a selfish creature but I've come to terms with that. If you want the same thing then I know that my selfishness is not that abysmal and that it's justifiable. Even if it wasn't I still wouldn't regret wanting you and taking whatever little chance I have with you to turn it into forever, _our forever_. Us being together is fate and I've learned that no matter how hard you try you can't change your destiny and don't even want to."

Before I could react to those words, those heartfelt and beautiful words which were all that I had ever wanted to hear I heard a bell like voice chime behind me.

"Brother dear, I see you've finally come to your senses," while we were busy in our intense conversation we didn't notice the tiny figure that appeared in the hallway and I gasped as I met the golden eyes of the woman I had always considered as my sister and confidant.

"Alice," Edward sighed.

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_Love is never supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery, to make living fucking worthwhile- Mia Asher, Arsen_

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**Wasn't that a great cliffhanger? Wasn't it, wasn't it, wasn't it! LOL. So press the very awesome review button and let me know your thoughts. Plus I'm looking for a beta so if anyone's willing to take the job, please PM me and we'll see if we can work something out.**

**Abiha**


	6. Alice

**New chapter, wohoooo :D Took me a solid hour to write this so phew **** forgive any mistakes because it's not Beta'd and I wrote it at 1 in the morning. LOL**

**Track for this chapter: 'Without the love- Demi Lovato'**

_**I realized that I can neither fight nor cry alone without you- Anonymous**_

I sat in the class, head in hands while all the students filed out of the room rushing in their alacrity to get to the lunch hall. I remained unmoving, needing some peace to figure out the fucked up mess that my life had become. I heard a throat clearing above me followed by a small throaty voice.

"Are you alright," I looked up warily into Jessica's eyes.

"Yes," I lied through my teeth but surprisingly by deceit sounded truthful.

_I guess practice does make you perfect_

"You know, you can like talk to me about stuff….. I mean if you wanted to talk about any shit, I'm ready to listen," Jessica mumbled quickly.

I raised my eyebrows in genuine surprise. After the Port Angeles incident Jessica had studiously ignored me and ridiculed and judged everything I ever did behind my back with snakes like Lauren.

The questioning to her sudden cease in practicing hostility toward me must've been evident on my face since she said, "I… I'm sorry for what how I've been behaving for the past few months. I guess the Port Angeles shit had me freaked out and I guess I was dealing with it by being cruel and nasty. Right now you look like you could really use a friend so I just offered."

I knew that the only way Jessica knew how to apologize and admit her mistakes was through circumlocution so I accepted that flimsy repentance graciously and gave her a small, but real smile to show her my appreciation for her efforts.

"I…. I don't want to talk about it," apology or not my private life was not something I was willing to make a spectacle of more than it had already become.

"But if I ever do need to, talk that is, you're the first person I'll go to."

I was still a horrendous liar in general, except a few exceptions, which is probably why Jessica gave me a knowing look which told me that she totally saw through my lie.

She shrugged and walked out of the room casting me a glance behind her back, "You're welcome to sit with me at lunch if you want to come."

Before I could reply that today I was in no mood of being scrutinized by the naïve and intruding kids in the lunch room Jessica was already out of sight.

"Don't waste your time or anything on me," I mumbled sarcastically to myself.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know," I groaned as the unwelcome figure of a small pixie like girl skipped in the room.

It seemed that no matter how much I wanted, I was not going to get any goddamned peace sometime soon.

"That's not the best way to talk to someone whom you want forgiveness from you know. Calling them stupid and everything," I shot back irritated.

"No it isn't," Alice agreed.

"So may I have another go at the whole apology thing," She looked at me with large pleading eyes and for a moment I almost gave into her charm.

I glared back, "I'm susceptible to your voodoo vampire charm so no, you can't".

"You're not. Edward may be a nincompoop but I know how you start to melt as soon as he throws those intense tortured artist looks at you.

"This is the 20th century Alice, I snorted and rolled my eyes. "No one uses words like nincompoop anymore.

"I do," she stuck her tongue out.

I sighed, "Whatever. I just want you to leave me alone right now. I don't want to talk to you or listen to your useless apologies. I made it clear to both you and Edward in the hallway earlier that right now I don't want to talk about what happened. I mean it Alice, I really don't want to talk about it, I've had enough hurt to last me a lifetime and arguing about shit that will get us nowhere will just add to my grief and I just can't envision that right now."

"I told Edward that I'm ready to be friends with him but that doesn't mean that I forgive him which means that I don't forgive you either because you're both at fault here. I expected this sort of stunt from him but I thought you knew better Alice!"

She sighed, "Bella you're just as stupid as him. We both know that you don't want to be just friends with me and you've forgiven me."

She tapped her head," I can see the future clearly now and I already know that you're path is set. You're bound to join our coven, you're already my sister. It's just a matter of when and I guess I see where you're coming from, not wanting to forgive us since I know that we've hurt you beyond words but don't lie to yourself. Don't tell yourself that you can be just friends with Edward because we both know that you can't and don't tell me that you won't ever forgive me because we've been sisters and we'll always remain that way regardless of the circumstances. I don't want you to lie to yourself because every time you do that, you believe some part of that lie too. You may think that you want to live that lie right now but trust me when I say this, you won't ever be happy if you keep doing that. And I know you didn't expect me to let everyone leave as they did and to be mendacious, I didn't either. I'm very disappointed in myself and you don't know how guilty and sad I've been about this. I've berated myself again and again on this to the point that it got too hard for Jasper to be around me much because I was always adding more and more to his guilt and grief than he could probably handle."

I kept my gaze blank as I listened to her although inside I was anything but. The turmoil of emotions going inside me was just too painful and dizzying. Was love always this hard? I already knew that loving this girl and her brother was no trip to the park but I guess I also knew that it was worth every ounce of the excruciating pain.

Alice continued, oblivious to my inner battles, "I guess I just tried to make myself believe that you'd be ok after some time and you'd forget…. No not forget but learn to detach yourself from us. But I was as stupid as Edward wasn't I? I did exactly what I told him not to and I'm more sorry than you'll ever know for that."

"Alice, _really_? Did you really believe that I'd move on? Did you expect me to skip and sing show tunes when you came back? I guess if you really did believe that then Edward and I are not the only ones with corners in the idiocy market."

Alice smiled, "I am an idiot aren't I?"

"You just figured that out now?" I shot back and then sighed wistfully as I sensed our old camaraderie returning.

Alice noticed it too because she beamed, "It's getting closer."

"What?" I asked baffled.

"Your destination silly, you're going to have your epiphany soon and when you do, call me."

With that she skipped out of the room with a jovial smile on her face.

I shook my head. There were two things that I knew were a lost cost trying to understand. Alice and her broody but heart shatteringly beautiful brother. But I guess I had already been addicted once by them and now that addiction was returning and the scariest thing was that I had never welcomed anything more than it.

_Fuck my Life_

_**To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that prisoner was you- Lewis B. Smedes**_

**Reviews are awesome so press the button and show the love. BTW I just wanted to add that I really appreciate those of you who reviewed in the previous chapters. It really made me happy. Plus I wanted to add that criticism is also welcome so if you didn't like anything, feel free to speak up. Ok now I'm going to leave you guys alone. Until next week,**

**Abiha.**


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